All you need is love...


This life is a test; it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.

All you need is love...

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Emo Phillips

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The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
— Max Born

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
— Fred Hoyle

Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we're not. In both cases the thought is equally shocking.
— Arthur C. Clarke

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
— Douglas Adams

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
— Douglas Adams

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
— Ransom K. Ferm

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.
— Christopher Morley

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.
— Edward Chilton

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
— Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)

One scientist to another: "I'm beginning to agree with the theory that space is curved — either that or my car is pulling to the left."
— Hoest and Reiner

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny yet measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, anyway.

Scientists have discovered that time is not real, that we only live in the current moment. But then according to that, they haven't done the research, and don't really have anything to back them up, do they?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
— Steven Wright

If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?

Time is an illusion... lunchtime, doubly so.
— Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe"

What happens if a big asteroid hits the Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
— Dave Barry

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
— Aldous Huxley

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
— Clay Center Wisdom

I once read a book about anti-gravity. I just couldn't put it down.

One thing about the speed of light... it gets here too early in the morning.



I've finally come up with a job title that describes all those late nights spent on the Internet: Pornologist.
— Gary Kee

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
— Robert Firth

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.
— Nathaniel Borenstein

There are lies, damned lies, and release dates.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Sometimes I think about going to the gym and working out in order to impress women, but hey, that's why I learned UNIX.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
— D. E. Knuth, 1967

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
— Rich Cook

He who laughs last probably made a backup.

If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it?
— The Covert Comic

Beta testers who lie! Next time on Geraldo!

Blessed are the pessimistic for they hath made backups.

Never execute code written on a Friday or a Monday.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!'.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.

Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work".

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Hit any user to continue.

I wish life had an UNDO function.

If your computer says: Printer out of Paper, this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the 'OK' button.

It said: 'Insert disk 3...' but only 2 fit in the drive.

Microsoft Windows: Computing While U Wait

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Standard are industry's way of codifying obsolescence.

Whip me. Beat me. Make me maintain AIX.

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

Intel: We put the 'um...' in Pentium.

A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
— Joseph Campbell

Helpdesk tip #2: When the support analyst says: 'Click... ', wait for the rest of the sentence.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
— Dick Brandon

Unix, BASIC, C, PASCAL, APL, ADA, and PROFANITY spoken here.

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

There is an old saying that if a million monkeys typed on a million keyboards for a million years, eventually all the works of Shakespeare would be produced. Now, thanks to Usenet, we know this is not true.

Computer programmers never die... they just byte the dust.

Intel Inside: The world's most commonly used warning label.

A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
— Doug Linder

A television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred...

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
— Bjarne "Stumpy" Stroustrup

If cars evolved at the same rate as computers, they'd cost a quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and crash once a day, killing everyone inside.

If engineers built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

FATAL ERROR! SYSTEM HALTED! — Press any key to do nothing...

/* I can C clearly now */

1010011010 — The binary number of the Beast

1332 — The number of two Beasts

A program is a device used to convert data into error messages.

A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.

APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.

Application has reported a 'Not My Fault' in module KRNL.EXE in line 0200:103F

He's not a real doctor, He's an integer doctor. (Wait for it. Wait fooooor it....)

Students nowadays, complaining they only get 2MBs of disk space! In my day we were lucky if we had one file, and that was /dev/null.

Warranty clause voided by payment of invoice.

Programmers never die: They just GOSUB without RETURN.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

If the Start Windows Restart when Windows starts check box is checked Windows Restart will start automatically every time Windows is started.
— Actual excerpt from a Windows program help file!

Bad command or file name. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaaay...

Don't worry. I backed it up to the RAM disk yesterday.

Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object!

Hell must be full...the damned are in tech support.

Error: Sector not found — search behind couch? (Y/N)

File not found. I'll just make something up.

Finish the project. We'll buy you a new family.

He who laughs last is at 300 baud.

The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button.

Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission.

Not tonight dear...I have a modem.

A 14.4 modem makes you want to get out and push!

Don't make me use uppercase...

Calm down — it's only ones and zeroes.

The Melissa Virus is named after a topless dancer… If you get it on your laptop, it demands you put $20 into the floppy drive.

Why did we need to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K? Wasn't it this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place?

Win Zero-Zero.

Microsoft has announced a solution for the year 2000 problem. It will be released in 2004.
— JavaSoft president Alan Baratz

People greatly underestimate the seriousness of the Y2K bug. After all, to fix the problem, a computer programmer needs to find a date...and we all know the likelihood of that happening!

IT Manager to Management: I have good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that on the 31st of December 1999, all computers will show the date as 1900. The good news is that we will have another 100 years to solve that bad news.

Why Coke Will Surge After The Millennium: Starting shortly after Jan. 1, 2000, the Coca-Cola Company enjoyed an unexpected surge in demand for its flagship product. Seems that the company's embedded process control system clocks rolled back to 1900, causing the original cocaine-laced formula for Coca-Cola to be reinstated.

Q: What are Y2K analysts and programmers gonna do after Year 2000?
A: Become expert witnesses.

Q: What will Y2K programmers do on New Year's Eve?
A: They're gonna party like it's Eighteen Ninety-Nine!

You've heard about the computer programmer that died while washing his hair in the shower. The instructions said, 'Lather, rinse, repeat'.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
— Robert Wilensky, University of California

All of this worrying about computers crashing in the year 2000! It doesn't concern me. I've got the advanced model. It's been crashing like clockwork since 1993.

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user

Windows VirusScan 1.0 — "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

"RAM disk" is NOT an installation procedure.

If you came across Bill Gates struggling in a raging river, and you had to choose between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.

"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

I bet my computer was made by Indians, 'cause it keeps exchanging smoke signals with my printer.
— Andy Pierson, I Bet — Original humor by Andy Pierson

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Maybe we're all just part of God's "Sim Universe" video game. Let's just hope that He's not playing on a Windows machine, or we're all screwed.
— Jeff Ehrhart

Thought for the Day:
I don't need cyber-sex...AOL goes down on me all the time.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history — with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
— Mitch Ratliffe

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

Over the weekend, my computer was infected by a virus — the one where, when you open it, it drinks all the beer in your fridge and gets all sleazy with your woman. No, wait...never mind. That was me.
— Andy Pierson, I Bet

Q: What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
A: An URLologist.

Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

A mind is a terrible thing to... Oooh! Just a sec, more email.



Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced, if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.
— Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 B.C.

This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future.
— Adolf Hitler, 1935

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
— Bill Vaughan

The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
— Oscar Levant

It was like playing pick-up sticks with your butt cheeks.
— Texas Senator David Sibley, describing tough negotiations in February, 1995 on pending state tort reform legislation

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
— Bruce Baum

I always thought Ross Perot should have been a member of R.E.M., until a friend pointed out that the initials didn't stand for Rapid Ear Movement.
— Jim Lockwood

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
— Monty Python

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
— In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
— Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history...We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust

If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.
— Senior Pentagon official, explaining why the U.S. military censored footage showing Iraqi soldiers sliced in two by U.S. helicopter fire

Join the Army Reserves, travel the world, meet interesting people and kill them (but only on weekends).

I did what any normal person would do at that age. You call home. You call home to mother and father and say, "I'd like to get into the National Guard."
— Dan Quayle, vice-presidential hopeful, defending his National Guard service during the Vietnam War

Facts are stupid things.
— Ronald Reagan

The information superhighway is a revolution that in years to come will transcend newspapers, radio, and television as an information source. Therefore, I think this is the time to put some restrictions on it.
— U.S. Senator James Exon

Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was all the money in the world for schools and the military had to have a fund-raiser to raise money for all their bombs?
— Sue Hatrick

I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, there'll be lots of parties around the world. Then someone will get drunk and start a fight.
— Natalie Redmeier

I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don't always agree with them.
— George Bush, former U.S. President

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, and there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence. Yet, government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
— David McIntosh

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow

With interactive TV will I be able to slap Rush Limbaugh?

The other thing we have to do is to take seriously the role in this problem of older men who prey on underage women. There are consequences to decisions and one way or another, people always wind up being held accountable.
— President Clinton, on June 13, 1996, in a speech about teen pregnancy

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
— Ronald Reagan (star of "Bedtime for Bonzo"...)

The American people is supportive of me.
— Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush, during an interview with CBS's Jane Clayson

Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

George W. Bush is looking to attract more Hispanic voters. At least that's what I thought he meant when he said he was planning on "scoring some Colombian".

The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!
— Mark Russell

Isn't it wonderful to live in a country where anyone can grow up to sleep with the President?
— Kevin Freels

George W. Bush blamed the recent rise in gas prices on President Clinton, then said if he was president, he would repeal the gas tax and if necessary, go to war with Alaska and take all their oil.
— from Saturday Night Live Update News

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
— Gov. George W. Bush

Q: How many government employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to insist that it's being taken care of, and the other to screw it into a water faucet…

That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.
— Alexander Haig, American politician

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
— P.J. O'Rourke

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
— Mark Twain

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

I don't read books, but I have friends who do.
— Presidential Candidate George W. Bush

I wasn't what you'd call a great student, but I was a good solid student. A good solid C-student.
— George W. Bush, who says that education will be a major theme in his campaign, on his grades in school.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

We reserve the right to arm bears.

"There are grave issues facing this country: gun control, campaign finance reform and the very real threat that Kathie Lee might now try her hand at a sitcom."
— Dennis Miller

"Supporters point to Governor Bush's education record in Texas, where school test scores have actually risen. But did they really rise, or did they just hit bottom so hard that they bounced?"
— ibid

"So how do I pick a president? Much the same way I choose a driver to the airport. Which one will cost me the least and not get me killed?"
— ibid

"What do we know about Gore? Well, he opposed the Vietnam war, but served over there anyway so as not to jeopardize his father's reelection bid for the Senate. And there, in a nutshell, is a shining example of Al Gore's heroic willingness to die for his complete lack of core beliefs."
— ibid

"George W. Bush doesn't stand for anything other than wanting to be president. It just kills me when Bush says he's not a Washington insider. He always has that same tone of voice as Calista Flockhart when she tells Steve Kmetko that she just has a fast metabolism."
— ibid

"The truth is that come November 7, we'll have a choice between twin sons of different ideological mothers. Both were raised in powerful political families. Both received Ivy League educations. Both served in non-combat capacities during the Vietnam War. And both possess the finely honed edge of a butter knife in a mental hospital cafeteria."
— ibid



American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
— Dave Barry

We trained hard — but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
— Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
— Fred Allen

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
— Stephen Leacock

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960

No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong.

Committee — a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
— M. Berle

You can name your own salary here — I like to call mine Fred.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.
— e e cummings

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
— Muhammad Ali

Money doesn't talk, it swears.
— Bob Dylan

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees, then name streets after them.

I sometimes wonder what's better: to give 100% effort and risk failure or not to try at all. Then I think, "Who cares, I still get paid over $30,000 a year to surf Internet porn and shoot rubber-bands at my coworkers!"
— Dale Brown

I'm not saying I'm habitually running late in the morning, but to save time, I've been forced to reduce my before work coffee ritual from "a trip to Starbucks" to "a pinch of Folger's between the cheek and gum".
— Julie Hamlin

Whoever said that money can't buy friends obviously never brought donuts to the office.
— Wendy Weiner Runge

If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to quit my job and spend all day checking out Internet porn. Actually, I already spend all day checking out Internet porn, but having to pretend like I'm working while I'm doing it is a real pain.
— Bill Ervin

All writing is essentially bricks of plagiarism secured in place by the mortar of original thinking.
— William Dukane

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.
— General George Patton

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is two persons at a time, unless I install handrails or safety straps. Since you have arrived sixth in line to RIDE MY ASS today, please take a number and WAIT YOUR TURN!

Engineers think equations are an approximation of reality.
Physicists think reality is an approximation of the equations.
Mathematicians never make the connection.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
— Frank Lloyd Wright



Who the fuck do you think you are?
— Psychologist Michael Brooks, author of the best seller "Instant Rapport", a how-to manual on relating to strangers, in a confrontation with a flight attendant that ultimately forced the plane's emergency landing (Newsweek, Aug. 2, 1999)

"Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible."

People think that I hear little voices inside my head telling me what to do. That's ridiculous. It's more like a movie, with these little hamster guys that hold up charts and maps and other visual aids. You know, whatever they have to use.

Psychiatrist: Someone who tries to figure out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult has in adultery.

I tried to wrestle my demons once... but they used too many illegal holds.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
  1. fighting
  2. fleeing
  3. feeding
  4. mating

Q. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Isn't it self-defeating to ask for help in finding the self-help section of a bookstore?
— Amy L. Bartomioli

Conscience: That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol.

"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."

I doubt, therefore I might be.

A new study shows that licking a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again.
— Jay Leno

When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me.

I think the inventor of the pinata may have had some unresolved donkey issues.
— Dan Johnson

A wolf in sheep's clothing needs professional help.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
— Dennis Miller

Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.



I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
— Joan Rivers

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

Going to Hell when I die would just be redundant.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
— Joe E. Lewis

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

Don't worry about temptation — as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
— Old Farmer's Almanac

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
— Ed Bluestone

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
— Ellen DeGeneris

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
— Carol Leifer

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
— Charles Schultz

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
— Garfield

Middle age is when you burn the midnight oil around 9:00 PM.

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
— Frank Varano

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
— Rita Rudner

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child — if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come
out tender.
— W.C. Fields

The reason "dieting makes you fat" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth.
— Michelle Argabrite

I knew I was an unwanted child when I saw my bath toys were a radio and a toaster.
— Joan Rivers

I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend…
— Rodney Dangerfield

I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up…
— Rodney Dangerfield

If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.

Every time I'm naked, my cat stares at me. I don't know if reincarnation is real, but if it is I sure hope my cat was one of those guys who air-brushes the stretch marks off of supermodels in magazines.
— Elisa Shed

It's funny how your thoughts change as you get older. As a kid, when I would walk by the bridge overpass, I used to daydream about finding a dead body under it. Now I fantasize about putting one there.
— Hugh Green

"Where do babies come from?" It's a little unnerving when asked by your 4 year old, but it's downright terrifying when it comes from your HMO-assigned doctor.
— Brad Osberg

When my kids become wild and unruly I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.



Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
— Emo Phillips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"

• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
• I said, "You'll be sorry."
• He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
• I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady, take your purse."

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

People come up to me and they're worried... that I'll reproduce.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky — but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, "If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, "Why limit yourselves?"

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Oh, yes... I've tried my hand at sex...

Funny Quotes — Part I

Favorite Quotes (from all categories)

Inspirational and Philosophical Quotes on Life

Love and Sex Quotes


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