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Life in General
Love, Sex, and Marriage

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Emo Phillips

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NOTE:  The newest quotes are in bold print.
If the author is not listed, it's by the infamous Unknown Author...



Dysfunk... disfunct... dys... aw, fuck it!

A real man would've eaten it raw.
— Dick Cavett, to G. Gordon Liddy in response to his story about conquering his fear of rats by cooking a mouse and eating it

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.

Oh, no! Not another learning experience.

One day I'm a windshield, the next day a bug thereon.

I drank what??
— Socrates

Scattered showers my ass!
— Noah

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
— Woody Allen

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child — eventually.
— Steven Wright

I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.
— Groucho Marx

Times fun when you're having flies.
— Kermit the Frog

My mother made me a homosexual! — Written on a wall in Melbourne Australia
If I buy the wool, would she make one for me? — Written underneath

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
— Richard Lewis

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
— Lily Tomlin

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club.
— John W. Campbell

Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose.
— Meghan Skinner

My parents worried because, as a small child, I was given to eating the magnets I found on the refrigerator door. It all turned out for the good, however. I am told that I'm quite an attractive adult.

I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.
— Orson Welles

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
— W.C. Fields

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.
— Rita Mae Brown

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
— Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.

This life is a test; it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but now I see I should have been more specific.
— Lily Tomlin

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent... Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I make my own water — two glasses of H, one glass of O.
— Stephen Wright

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry

I'm a peripheral visionary.
— Stephen Wright

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...
— Stephen Wright

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
— Johnny Carson

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
— Charlie Brown, Peanuts (Charles Schulz)

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
— Red Buttons

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
— Steve Bluestone

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
— Dave Edison

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.
— Anita Wise

Never moon a werewolf.
— Mike Binder

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is going on.

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
— Dorothy Parker

The meek shall inherit the earth — they are too weak to refuse.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
— Quentin Crisp

Arrggghhhh! My fortune cookie contradicted my horoscope!

Born again. And again. And again...

Get thee behind me Satan, I was here first.

Someday we'll look back on this and shudder.

Everything's back to normal. Damn.

I'm having a bad-hair life.

I've had an out-of-body experience already — birth.

If you shoot a mime, make sure you use a silencer.

Reality is just one of my many options.

Rejection is when your imaginary friends won't talk to you.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

Gateway to Enlightenment — Ό Mile — 50’

I'm not sensitive or childish enough to be politically correct.

I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present.

The future just isn't what it used to be.

A thousand words are worth a picture — and they load faster, too.

Ability is the power to do something special — like speaking several languages or keeping your mouth shut in one.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and even fewer still to ignore them completely.

Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards.

I left my body in my other clothes.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please
— Mark Twain

Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it.
— Garrison Keillor

Sign: "Highway of Life — Prepare to Pay Tolls"
— Bob Thaves

People who need people are people who don't realize just how annoying people can be.
— J. Wagner

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."
— Bertrand Russell.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it...that's everything!

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner.
— Ryan Rollinson

I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well.
— Jim Rosenberg

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
— Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.
— Chinese Proverb

Knocked; you weren't in.
— Opportunity

When my grandparents arrived in this country from Germany, they were dirty, frightened, and penniless. I swear, that's the last time we let them vacation by themselves.
— Dave George

The world is my oyster. Now I just have to figure out how to get the damn thing open.
— Bob Johnson

A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village.
— Jack Handy

Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
— Noelie Altito

My body is a temple — with ample parking in the rear.
— Gary R. Smith

Beware of limbo dancers!
— Graffiti written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down

Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.

Q: If you could live forever, would you and why?
A: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
(Obviously, this woman must be a relative of Dan Quayle's...)

I have a theory that all traffic lights are secretly synchronized — you just have to go fast enough. Testing this theory has lead me to develop a second theory: most police officers are NOT men of science.
— Paul Wiley

I bet a lot of mimes choke to death because nobody believes they're really choking.
— John Gephart

Whoever said, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do," has never driven a car there.
— Lev Spiro

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future.
— Yogi Berra

"Veni Vidi Vici" (I came, I saw, I conquered) — Julius Caesar
"Veni Vidi Vidi" — The Texas Chainsaw Massacrer
"Veni Vidi Veni" — Hugh Hefner

The grass is always greener on the other side, until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close.
— Albert Grashuis

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

The Lawyer's Creed: "A man is innocent until proven broke."

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

So tell me, are those cookies made with real Girl Scouts?

If you are searching desperately for the meaning of life, try the floor of my car, because there's a lot of crap down there.

Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.
— Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

"It's all coming back to me now," said the blind man as he peed into the wind.

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
— Mary Ellen Kelly

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted and rode off.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it.
— Groucho Marx

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the guy next to me.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
— Bob Newhart

Television is the first truly democratic culture; the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
— Clive Barnes

Congratulations! You may already be a wiener!

I don't want to make the wrong mistake.
— Yogi Berra

7% of the people believe the new millennium begins 1/1/2000.
14% of the people believe the new millennium begins 1/1/2001.
The remaining 79% of us think those 21% should get a life!

Remember — when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions.

Que Sera Serf: Life is feudal.

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
— Shirley MacLaine

Sometimes the giant hamster of misfortune doesn't seem to want to run on anybody's wheel but yours.
— George Olson

My grandpa told me to remember two things in life. Look out for Number One, and remember your number.
— Orville Cogswell

I'm always fascinated by the way memory diffuses fact.
— Diane Sawyer

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.
— Mark Twain

Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and you suck forever.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
— Woody Allen

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro" — I came, I saw, I stuck around…

If life gives you lemons, I say stick 'em down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
— Jessica Fray & Meghan McGray

I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
— Winston Churchill

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
— Louis L'Amour

I believe that it was Nietzsche who said: "That which does not kill us gives us an abominable case of diarrhea."

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I'm going crazy. Wanna come along?

I don't use my conscience as my's more of a creative consultant.

If we're born again, does that mean we get two belly buttons?

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.

One is successful when they can lay a firm foundation with bricks thrown at them by others.

A rock —> me <— A hard place

Life — it's nothing like the Brochure!

My mother always used to tell me, "The early bird gets the worm." The message seemed pretty clear to me: If you sleep late, you're a lot less likely to be killed by a bird.
— Elliott Downing

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
— Douglas Adams

Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.
— Art Buchwald

By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole in the head.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde.
— Dolly Parton

Q: What's the difference between Chicago and Green Bay?
A: In Chicago, Moosehead is a beer. In Green Bay, it's a felony.

So a dyslexic walks into a bra...

My mother is Jewish, my father is Catholic. I was brought up Catholic, but with a Jewish mind. When I went to confession, I always brought a lawyer with me. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... I think you know Mr. Cohen?
— Bill Maher

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. — Redneck etiquette

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
— Ed Hector

A rose by any other name would still attract aphids.

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
— Flynne Bondolini

Give me ambiguity or give me something else!
— Ed Hextor

If I was in a room with you and two werewolves and I had a gun with two silver bullets, I'd shoot you, twice.

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.
— Britney Spears

Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?

Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake.

Experts estimate that one out of every six mobile homes is haunted by a ghost. Warning signs include cans of Skoal mysteriously floating through the air, invisible fingers smudged with Cheetos, blood dripping from your simulated wood paneling, and the room spinning before you even get drunk.

Punctuality: the virtue of the bored.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.
— Bruce Graham

Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.



I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Love: a grave mental illness.
— Plato

Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practiced in moderation.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin — it is the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
— S.J. Perelman

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

A perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.

Love is a many splintered thing.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
— Lily Tomlin

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh!
— Conan O'Brien

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled, "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong."

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon. Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman — unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes...

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra" — it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.

My doctor said, "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is you're a bitch."

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
— Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
— Judy Tenuta

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
— David Bissonette

Honolulu — it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
— Ken Dodd

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
— James Holt McGavran

I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriages. Every married couple I know has the same sex all the time.
— Jim Rosenberg

My mom always complains about my lack of a boyfriend. Well, next time she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm dating two different guys — Mr. Duracell and Mr. Energizer.
— Michelle Landry

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
— Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
— Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.
— Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
— Elayne Boosler

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
— Roseanne

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.
— Jerry Seinfield

Well, you know what they say: behind every successful man is an amazed woman.

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
— Jules Renard

As I lay there, fighting for my last breath, wracked by pain, unable to move, I realized that indeed there are some things NOT worth dying for... so I ditched the WonderCorset.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry

Her kisses left something to be desired — the rest of her.

I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
— Mike Binder

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

When you're swimming' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
— Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

Never fallen in love, but I've stepped in it...

Error reading sex drive, (A)bort (R)etry (L)ick it

You'd look better in whipped cream and sprinkles.

I found my wife's G-spot — my neighbor had it...

I'm trying to get back to the womb — anybody's.

I dated a contortionist, but she broke it off.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Hey! I wear the plants in this family!
— Eve, to Adam

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish...

Man: Rules the roost.
Woman: Rules the rooster.

Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts.
— GQ

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.
— Mae West

Macho does not prove mucho.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

If a man watches 3 football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
— Erma Bombeck

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
— Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.
— Erica Jong

Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
— Rita Rudner

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older
she gets, the more interested he is in her.
— Agatha Christie

I married beneath me. All women do.
— Lady Nancy Astor (First woman member of the British Parliament)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
— Charlotte Whitton

A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.
— Gloria Steinem

My girlfriend said I never listen, or something like that.

My God! He's been married alive!

A woman's body is a work of art. A man's body is utilitarian. It's for gettin' around. Kinda like a Jeep.
— Elaine on Seinfeld, on why men shouldn't walk around naked

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
— Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

The husband bought his frigid wife a big tube of K-Y jelly and told her, "This will make you happy." It did. She put it on the bedroom doorknob after he went out.

Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Men are nicer to the women they don't marry.
— Belle Livingston

After an acquaintance of ten minutes, many women will exchange confidences that a man would not reveal to a lifelong friend.
— Page Smith

The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with larger breasts.
— James Knowles

What do you call a tall guy who can masturbate 10 times in a single day? No, it's not a joke, I really need to know, because I want to put it on my resume.
— Damon R. Milhem

The politically correct term for impotence: Ascension Deficit Disorder

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.
— Natalie Wood

A Cuban was in a Miami classroom reading from a Hans Christian Anderson book. "Teacher ?" asked the little girl, "Please, does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage?"
"No, my child," sighed the teacher. "But it should... it should."

At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them with AOL accounts now???

When a guy says, "I need more space," it confuses me. What's the matter with all that space between his ears?
— Linda Rollins

I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another...
I said, "Let's go back to my place."
She said, "Oh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No... But I have some old ropes that should hold just fine..."

When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

Do you believe in love at first sight... or do I need to walk by again?

If a man speaks in a forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still lying?

One day I was slicing an apple when I accidentally cut off my husband's penis. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
— Anna Williams

Our eyes met, and the ground lurched beneath my feet and bells rang out. "My God!", I thought, "I've finally found her!!!" Then I remembered we were in an elevator.
— Charlie Acord & Melinda Dalehite

I think that beauty pageants should have a "Miss Promiscuity" award, to reward the girl who sleeps with the most judges.
— Erin Hardee

She became skeptical of his claim to be a Jedi Knight when he offered to show her his Darth Johnson.
— James Knowles

I think a good name for a horror movie would be, "The Bitchening." I'm not sure what the monster would look like, but I bet it would act a lot like my ex-wife.
— Wes Nessmann

Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.

Men are like Oreos, all the good ones are taken and the rest are cracked and broken.

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbitt was killed yesterday??
She was on the freeway and some dick cut her off!!

I want to be reincarnated as your tampon.
— Prince Charles to Camilla Parker-Bowles, 1991
(Not recommended as a pickup line. Kids, don't try this at home.)

If there were something called Marriage Reserve, I'd sign up for it in a heartbeat. That way I could sleep with other women on one weekend each month and two weeks in the summer, and my wife couldn't do crap about it.
— Mike Wilson

A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad.
An optimist hopes so.

The wife wants to try the missionary position.
She on top, me in Africa.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and horny… If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go."
— Rose in Titanic. Several seconds later, poor little Jack sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic...

Falling in love is just that — falling.
Sometimes you merely trip and stub your toe.
Sometimes you fall to your hands and knees.
But sometimes you smack your head against the pavement and die.

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
— Goethe

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Let us embrace,
And from this very moment,
Vow an eternal misery together.
— Thomas Otway, "The Orphan

Q: What's the approximate Square Root of 69?
A: Eight Something

Men don't use sex to get what they want because sex IS what they want!

I like to give my wife a little call from work every day just to tell her I love her and ask her why she changed the locks.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
— Jimmy Shubert

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in the sink.

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.
— Peggy Joyce

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... He turned himself in.
— Rita Rudner

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels.
— Faith Whittlesey

As it turns out, the love you take is inversely proportional to the square root of the love you make. Paul McCartney needs to check his math.
— Dan Lyons

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
— Mae West

I am a being from another planet. I have been studying your culture by transforming myself into this text. Right now I am having sex with your eyes and I know you like it because you are smiling. Was it good for you?

Any woman that thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high!

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

A recent survey showed that the nine out of ten men that preferred Camels have switched back to women.

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

Q. Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a Nasal Spray?
A. It's for Dickheads!

I would advise to her get the hell off the public stage before she damages the cause of women any further…
— Camille Paglia, talking about Monica Lewinsky

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
— George Carlin

Today I learned, it only takes one pervert to screw in a lightbulb. However, it takes the entire emergency room to remove it.

I just heard that Monica is going to advertise for Jenny Craig. I can hardly wait for the ads, where I can only assume that she is going to tell everyone that the secret to losing weight is not swallowing.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
— Michel de Montaigne

When my girlfriend talked about marriage, I used to think: "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" But now I realize that if you buy the cow, you can slaughter it and turn it into steaks. And to think my girlfriend says I'm not romantic!
— Bob Van Voris

Love means never having to explain why to your wife why your AOL screen name is HUNGJOCK.
— Jim Rosenberg, Mr. Monologue by Jim Rosenberg

At first I thought, "How could women be from Venus? It's got an atmosphere of poisonous gas!" And then I made the connection: potpourri!
— Larry Hollister

Statistics show 57% of heterosexual women would prefer to go on a shopping spree than have sex. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that 77% of all hetero men think that ten minutes is a long time to spend making love.

Yes, I decided to break off the engagement... Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a lot to be desired.

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
— Homer Simpson

Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies.
— Tony Curtis

If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff won't matter that much.
— Jack Handey

I think, therefore I'm single.
— Liz Winston

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
— Woody Allen

There may be some things that are better than sex, and there may be some things that are worse. But there is nothing exactly like it.
— W.C. Fields

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
— Beverly Mickins

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
— Sanskrit proverb

Men get laid, but women get screwed.
— Quentin Crisp

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
— Carrie Snow

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
— B. Johnson

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
— Joey Adams

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
— Dick Martin

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
— Johnny Carson

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
— Sam Kinison

I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.
— Zsa Zsa Gabor

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave the house? Of these same men 90% will kiss their house good-bye when their wife leaves.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror placed over my kitchen table.
— Rodney Dangerfield

The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him.
— Immanuel Kant

The only justification for men's existence is that vibrators can't move furniture.

Victoria's Secret says that over 40% of the underwear they sell are thongs. That's the reason those models of theirs have those pouty looks on their faces — they're walking around with a giant wedgie...
— Jay Leno

If you love someone, set them on fire.
If they come back, they're yours.
If not, bon appιtit!

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
— H. L. Mencken

You know how much I hate cuddling.
— Quotes from the Perfect Woman

What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.
— Quotes from the Perfect Man

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

If crusts of bread are better than nothing,
And nothing is better than Love,
Then by the transitive property of math,
Crusts of bread are better than Love. No?

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
— Wendy Liebman

To attract men, I wear a special's called "New Car Interior".
— Rita Rudner

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
— Margo Kaufman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
— Salvador Dali

Legends of a time long ago suggest if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire. Last year I saw a birdbrain and somehow I just knew I would be needing a new vibrator.

If I were a recovering sex addict, I think I would opt for group therapy.
— Pam Pickard

If you're a prince who's been turned into a frog, and you convince a princess that kissing you would turn you back into a prince — and then she actually kissed you — well, wouldn't you, in the back of your mind, think that she, maybe, was just a little hard up for a man?
— Mark Dockham

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
— Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss)

Back when I was young, Mom used to cook TV dinners for dad. My memory's a bit fuzzy, but I think they were called Angry Man.
— J. Hutter

How many roads must a man go down before he will stop and ask directions?!!?
— Michelle Argabrite

If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him... is he still wrong?

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing *that*. Maybe she was right — since the invention of Internet porn, computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger.
— Bill Ervin

I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Intimacy, n. — A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

I think deep down, all any man really wants is to be accepted. Especially by young, attractive models with plenty of money and an unquenchable desire for sex.

It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.
— Dorothy Parker, on an unwanted pregnancy

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
— Rita Rudner

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

The best part about remaining friends with all of your ex-girlfriends is that when you die, they might get into a really nasty catfight at your funeral.
— Bill Barnacle

I knew I had lost all interest in sex when I didn't think twice about taking the batteries out of my vibrator to replace the dead ones in the TV remote.
— Julie Hamlin

If your wife ever asks, "Is that a twinkle I see in your eye tonight, dear?", it's not a good thing to answer, "No, it's probably just a piece of glitter from the dress that hooker was wearing."
— Rolf Lundgren

Word to the wise: Women want men with flat stomachs and fat wallets. My sex life still hasn't recovered from getting it backwards.
— Derek Cockram

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?
— Cynthia Heimel

My wife had a sex change... Now it's Wednesday's and Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's.

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked 'petite' and hold on to the receipt.

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80's.
— Dave Barry

My wife says I'm too into the X-Files. Dammit! They've gotten to her!
— Jim Rosenberg (Mr. Monologue)

His hungry eyes followed her longingly as the woman with the beautiful breasts slowly made her way back to her table. He thought, "Bitch didn't leave any chicken for the rest of us."
— Pam Pickard

I fell in love at first sight… I should have looked twice.

Ladies, have you heard about the new vibrators on the market? For those of you who are single and really miss the feeling of a relationship, there's the ReaLover ™ — at random intervals it wilts completely. Doesn't that take you back? For greater verisimilitude you can try the ReaLover Deluxe ™ — it vibrates violently for three minutes, stops abruptly, and begins snoring.
— Wyyrd, Hoot Island

Sometimes, when I'm watching my three beautiful children as they sleep, I feel a sense of awe at how many sperm can fit through a pin hole in latex.
— Pam Pickard

I'm a woman. We don't say what we want, but we reserve the right to be pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating and not just a little bit scary.

I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.
— Anita Loos

If a man falls in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, does he still moan like an idiot?
— Debbie Pittman

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should find you a temp.
— Bob Ettinger

Testing the hypothesis "There's no rest for the wicked" has proven to be a lot more fun, and a lot less tiring than I had expected.
— James Rice

The thing I love most about my S&M mistress is that she doesn't care whether I'm Baptist, Jewish, Catholic, or Methodist. She's a non-denominatrix.
— Woody Walker

Think your love life sucks? All my "ILOVEYOU" e-mails said "I really like you, but I'm just afraid to commit".
— The Goddess

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Men are shameless. If you're not thinking with your wiener, you're acting directly on its behalf.
— Skylar (Minnie Driver) in Good Will Hunting.

Women do not, snore, burp, sweat or fart. Therefore, they must bitch or they will explode.

Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are you shaking for? She's gonna to eat me.

So why can't they make *tampons* that are "ribbed for my pleasure"?
— Jenni Elion

I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you. And specifically for who you are when you pretend to be who I am and end up wearing my underwear.
— Scott McGee

Love is a fire. Whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

Q: What's the Female's definition of the perfect lover?
A: He makes love until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.

Q: How can you tell if a man is horny?
A: He's breathing.

Sting and his wife have spoken publicly several time about their devotion to Tantric Sex. He said recently in an interview that he'd given up this practice. He hasn't lost his sense of humor though. He said he was trying to teach his wife Tantric shopping. This is where you go shopping for five hours and don't buy anything!

Ah, love — the walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the arguments over just about everything else.
— Max Headroom

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
— Alan King

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
— Ashleigh Brilliant

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says we have no future together. Oh well, at least I still have my wife.
— Mystic7

When a man and woman are trying to have sex, he will often climax before she is ready...sometimes before she is, technically, in the room.
— Dave Barry

Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic. It is triggered easily by putting a quarter in a vending machine.
— Dr. Alex Comfort

I'm a terrible lover...I've actually given a woman an "Anti-Climax".
— Scott Roeben

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your can overcome that.
— Lewis Grizzard



Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
— Albert Einstein

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

It had to be a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege.

I think it's because light travels faster then sound that some people look bright until they talk.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See

It's too bad ignorance isn't painful.

It was simply a case of "cranial flatulence".

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits.

I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story...

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
— John Mendoza

It's important to pay close attention in school — for years I thought that bears masturbated all winter.
— Damon Milhem

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
— Frank Zappa

If ignorance is bliss, where are all the blissful people?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

I feel badly for those people who can't tell shit from Shinola, but I feel even worse for the guy who has to clean their shoes.
— David Gunter

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
— Groucho Marx

To demonstrate my superior intellect, I have decided to join Menses.
— Jonathan Struhs

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Now there's a man with an open mind — you can feel the breeze from here!
— Groucho Marx

I must have stood alone on Pennsylvania Avenue holding that sign for at least three hours before some kind passer-by informed me that the "Million Moron March on Washington" was the previous Friday. Boy, did I feel stupid.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

More Funny Quotes — Part II

Favorite Quotes (from all categories)

Inspirational and Philosophical Quotes on Life

Love and Sex Quotes


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