NOTE FROM CHRIS WHITE: For our readers not living in the USA, the National Rifle Association (NRA) is an organization which vigorously supports the notion that all adult Americans -- except "convicted violent criminals" -- have the right to own handguns and rifles.
That was diplomatic, wasn't it? I didn't even mention all those gun-related deaths we have every year in this country!
15. Do What We Say and No One Gets Hurt!
14. 1997 Recipient of the Disgruntled Postal Worker Seal Of Approval
13. Today's NRA — Still Gun-Ho on America (and now 60% sane!)
12. Second Amendment, College Boy — Read It and Weep
11. Helping to Reduce the Surplus Population, One Innocent Bystander at a Time
10. Why Don't Y'all Go Bother the Knife People for a While, Huh?!
9. The NRA: Relieving Feelings of Inadequacy for 125 Years
8. Fer Chrissakes! Watch Where Yer Pointin' That Thing!
7. Every Waiting Period's Gotta End Sometime, You Pussy-Whipped Liberal Pantywaists
6. When You Absolutely, Positively Have to Kill Someone
5. The NRA: Buying Legislators Today So YOU Can Buy Automatic Weapons Tomorrow
4. Guns! The *Affordable* Phallic Substitute
3. A Couple Thousand Yokels in Pickup Trucks Can't Be Wrong
2. Uzi Does It!
and TopFive.com's Number 1 N.R.A. Slogan...
1. Who Do You Want to Shoot Today?
14. Impressing Jodi Foster 101
13. Releasing Stress By Blowing Away Defenseless Animals: A Primer
12. Paramilitary Chicks and How To Nail 'Em
11. Membership Drive 2000: Got Nutz?
10. Self Defense: Escaping From Difficult Questions, Parts 1 - 20
9. Knife-Throwing, Archery, and Axe-Wielding: Staying Occupied During that Pesky 7-Day Waiting Period
8. Speed Reading and the Second Amendment
7. Sports Hunting with Semiautomatic Weapons, Like the Founding Fathers Intended
6. The Law and You: How to Kick a Liberal Pansy's Ass -- Legally!
5. Do Guns Kill People, Or Do People Kill People? Who The Hell Cares, Let's Go Shoot Something!
4. Corvettes and Wife Abuse: Other Ways to Compensate for Your Small Penis
3. Trigger Locks, Seatbelts, Fluoridated Water and Other Communist Plots
2. Hollow Points: Analyzing the NRA Charter
and the Number 1 Seminar Topic at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention...
1. REALLY Concealed Weapons: You'll Get My Gun When You Pry It from My Cold, Dead Rectum
NOTE FROM CHRIS WHITE: You may remember that on Tuesday, Top5 did a list of "Seminar Topics at the Scaled-Down NRA Convention." As expected, I received hundreds of messages, mostly from angry gun owners, and I ended up debating the issue with dozens of people. I felt like General Custer (sans gun, of course).
Today's list was culled from those responses to the NRA list. (Punctuation and spelling belong to the authors, not the editor.)
16. I THINK THAT THOSES SAYINGS ARE PREVERTED.
15. Yeah, I own a civilian AK. I own a civilian AR. And a buncha other toys.
14. [1st message] it is not a "notion" you moron, it is called the "2nd Admendment to the Constitution".....enough said.
[2nd message] ok I feel stupid, I misspelled "amendment", DOH!
13. Every opinion provokes an equal but opposite opinion, whether you want it to or not.
12. Making fun of a pack of squealing girly-men's pwecious wittle guns is sure to attract dozens upon dozens of quasi-coherent Randyan rants and buffoonish threats to water the apparently parched "Tree of Liberty" with gallon's of one's blood.
11. YOU HAVE ALREADY VIOLATED MY FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT BY TELLING ME NOT TO WRITE AND NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE AWAY MY 2ND AMENDMENT RIGHTS AS WELL
10. Didn't know you were a bunch of liberal pansies.
9. Do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?
8. There may not be a vast gobal conspirocy to ban guns, [...]
7. I'm leaving your Top 5 list because I think you're a pinko bastard.
6. Go f**k yourself you moron.
5. Bite It. Stupid people who don't seem to rember if it wasn't for guns then ythis country would not be here today.
4. Another point is that if I write a sentence of the form, "Because blah blah blah, X" You can't say that because of the exact nature of the blah, blah, blah, "not X", or Y was meant instead of X.
3. If you aren't prepared to eat your neibor's cat, you aren't prepared.
2. I do not condone anyone for their choices.
and the Number 1 Funniest Thing We Received in Response to Our "NRA Seminar" List...
1. I tell you what buddy I own tons of guns and I kill poor little defensless animals and I happen to have a huge Pecker.
Probe legal correspondent, Slick Sharky, Esq., has been away at a symposium on gun control. Here's an excerpt of the proceedings:
Slick: It says a "well-regulated militia," chariot boy. What don't you get?
Charlton: I don't get who you are or what you're doing here topless and oiled up with sunscreen.
Slick: Mix up with the travel agent. I thought this was about access to sun, not guns. No matter. You gonna answer me?
Charlton: The government has no right to restrict gun sales. Read the amendment.
Slick: I did, Spartacus, and so has the Supreme Court. Here's what they said in Lewis v. U.S., 445 U.S. 55, 65 n.8 (1980): "The Second Amendment guarantees no right to keep and bear a firearm that does not have 'some reasonable relationship to the preservation or efficiency of a well-regulated militia." Can someone get me a daiquiri?
Charlton: I wasn't Spartacus; I was Moses.
Slick: Whatever. Say, does your wife ever suffer from burning bush?
Charlton: I'd shoot you right now if I had a gun with me.
Slick: Good thing you're blocking re-enactment of the Brady Law waiting period, otherwise you might have time to calm down. Hey, you in the front; fire off a warning shot at the waitress, okay?
Charlton: Listen you idiot, how are law-abiding citizens to protect themselves if they can't buy unlicensed automatic weapons at gun shows as often as they like? Huh?
Slick: Band together into mass organizations of like-minded survivalists and terrorize any attacker with a flood of postcards and financial contributions? And while I'm here, let me just say on behalf of the Bar, lawyers don't sue people, people sue people. We just profit from it. Who do I have to shoot to get a daiquiri?!
(Jonathan Colan absolutely refuses to rub sunscreen on Slick Sharky's back, even if it were billable.)
The Daily Probe wishes it to be known that only Slick Sharky is responsible for the views expressed here, so please don't shoot Chris, Peter, or Jonathan. Slick, however, is available to be shot at the Camden, N.J. Gun and Margarine Show this weekend.