"Tainted Love" by Soft Cell

Dating / Relationship Application ™

You loved my site. You think we might be soul mates. Instead of writing me with whatever proposal you have in mind, just fill out this handy form and start using a precise screening process I have developed to save everyone involved a lot of time, embarrassment, and tragic dating/relationship accidents.

Simply fill in the boxes below and answer the questions the best you can, then hit the trusty "Submit" button at the bottom, and wait patiently by your computer — if there's any chance at all for us at all I'll be in touch... ;-)

Check one in each set of radio buttons and all that apply in each set of checkboxes:

First name:

Gender:
Male
Alien
Other
I'm not sure

Distance from Houston:
0 miles
Less than 50 miles
Where the hell is Houston?
Where am I?

Availability status:
Single
Divorced
Separated
Widowed
Married
Other

Age:
Too young to be reading this
18-24
25-34
35-44
45-54
55-64
65+
I can't remember

Occupation(s):
Professional
Technical
Unemployed
Student
Jon Hamm
Pilot
Rocket scientist
Model
Porn star
Internet Pornologist
Crack pusher
Gigolo
Currently in prison
Chicken flicker
Retired
All of the above
None of the above

Height:
Horse jockey
Jon Hamm
Basketball star

Weight/Body Type:
Pee-wee Herman
Jon Hamm
Drew Carey
Sumo Wrestler

Hair color:
Black
Brown
Blonde
Red
Gray
Neon Colored
Bleached white
Multicolored
Bald
Remaining hair gray with toupee in original hair color
Only have hair on my ears, nose, and back

Eye color:
Green
Blue
Brown
Hazel
Bloodshot
Reptilian

Body parts with piercings:
Ear
Nose
Lips
Tongue
Eyebrow
Brain
Other
None

Religious beliefs:
Protestant
Catholic
Jewish
Hare Krishna
Jehovah's Witness
Mormon
Branch Davidian
Heaven's Gate
Born again
Never born
I am God
Other

Education:
Kindergarten
High school
Some college
Many years of college
Many years of prison
Many years in the asylum
Bachelor's degree
Master's degree
Doctorate
Flunked out of Romper Room
None of the above

Intelligence Level:
Einstein
An abundance of gray cells
Average
Neanderthal
IQ of an ashtray

Complete the following phrase: e = mc...
Squared
Pi
+ 4
Hammer

OK, now this one: Plato was a...
Plumber
Barber
Quarterback
Philosopher
Friend of mine

If you had a motto, it would be:
Carpe Diem (Seize the Day)
Carpe Calypso (Seize the Day-O)
Carpe Cerevisi (Seize the Beer)
Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came, I saw, I stuck around…)
Amor Vincit Omnia (Love Conquers All)
Other

How do you feel about children?
Never enough
Too many already
Make cheap laborers
They eat too much
Can't wait for them to move out
They taste just like chicken
Other

Smoking habits:
Don't smoke
Smoker
Quitting
Occasional smoker
Pipe or cigar smoker
Chain smoker
Human chimney
Crack only

Drinking habits:
Never touch the stuff
Drink lightly at social gatherings
Drink heavily at social gatherings
Drink alone frequently
Serious boozer
Woke up this morning and I got myself a beer

Drugs of choice:
Caffeine
Tobacco
Alcohol
Aphrodisiacs
Marijuana
Recreational Drugs
Industrial Strength Drugs
Viagra
Lithium
Flintstone's Chewable Valium
Prozac
Other
All of the above and more
None of the above

What kind of a relationship are you looking for?
Best friend/lover/soul mate
Melding of souls with a passion of white-hot intensity
Commitment free sex
Platonic friends or pen pals only
Marry me first and I'll figure it out later
Soap opera romance (ending happily ever after)
D/s
S&M
M&M's
Any woman that will talk to me
None of the above
All of the above
What's a relationship?

Political tendencies:
Democrat
Republican
Screaming liberal
Bleeding heart
Anarchist
Radical
Nazi
Klu Klux Klan
Rhinoceros
Other

Fitness:
I could kick Stallone's ass with all my limbs chopped off
I have several Olympic gold medals and I eat Wheaties daily
I rode my bicycle to the nearest donut shop once
Does that include typing?
I get all the exercise I need drinking beer and watching sports on TV
Exercise only makes me feel too energetic
Other

Outdoor activities:
Swimming
Sailing
Golf
Horseback riding
Weekend fish cleaner
Climbed Everest a while back
Take pictures and show them to me when you get home
Is the damn climate control in my bubble busted again?
Exhibitionism
Sex
Other

Psychological condition:
All my emotional baggage fits securely in the overhead bin
Lunatic
Basketcase
Fruitcake
Serial killer
Neurotic
Completely insane
Fully recovered
Whatever the voices in my head told me this morning
Perfectly normal since birth

Personality type:
Jon Hamm
Introvert
Extrovert
Intellectual
Witty
Romantic
Intense
Dominant
Submissive
Geek
Jock
Yuppie
Vampire
Hippie
Redneck
Party animal
Heartless bastard
Other

I most resemble:
A knight on a white horse
A knight
A horse
A horse's ass
None of the above
Jon Hamm
I don't understand the question

Favorite activities:
Worshiping Goddesses
Reading (Note: Playboy and comic books don't count)
Saving the world
Sports
Naked Twister
Polka dancing
Couch potato
Mouse potato (Internet addict)
Cybersex
Stalking women on the Internet
Stalking women offline
Other

How would you describe your sense of humor?
Is this application supposed to be funny?
Are you talking to me, bitch???
One sarcastic remark and I'll bite your friggin' head off!
Pythonesque
I find The Three Stooges hilarious
Beavis and Butthead are my role models
I laugh whenever I look in a mirror
I have a terrific sense of humor — no, really....

E-mail Address:

URL (if applicable):

Comments:
Comments: